As far as the guests should be concerned, both bride and groom were hatched from an egg seconds before the ceremony and have never so much as touched another human intimately.
Overall, your tone should be good-natured and positive – you’re painting a picture of the groom, not trying to ruin his life.
However, it’s not just about the groom, either: if he’s a humourless drone and you’re desperate for anecdotes, take inspiration from current affairs or celebrity culture.
Just remember the grannies might not know who Gemma Collins is, though; keep those references A-list.
You don’t have to be funny all the time, either – it’s not an open-mic night. If in doubt, immediately disregard the most salacious and the most sensible and go for something in between.
Remember this isn’t about you and your life – one of the worst speeches I ever witnessed was the bride’s father guiding us through an overlong autobiography in which his daughter was a mere appendix.
Then West discussed the wrongheaded societal expectations that come with being a black celebrity.“At the barbershop and everything, I used to hear people always saying, you know, ‘When an entertainer go on, you know he’s going to go on and get a white girl,’” West said, echoing a line in his hit song “Gold Digger.” “‘And the white girl gonna go get a rich black dude.’ I want to say that my wife has dated broke black dudes, so it ain’t got nothing to do with the money.” He continued: “It takes me back to a story that [Kim] told me where her father, Robert Kardashian, walked out and on the side of his Bentley they wrote ‘N***** Lover,’ because Robert Kardashian was the genius that put together the defense team that got O. And she stood there crying and said, ‘Dad, why are you going so crazy? You’re gonna see how hard it is.”Time and again, West has railed against the “glass ceiling” that keeps black celebrities like him from achieving a certain degree of success—the ability to graduate from being a star performer to an “owner,” or mogul.
’ and he said to her, ‘One day, you may have a black child. People tend to deconstruct West’s speeches as misguided “rants” instead of focusing on the larger picture.“So, true enough, we deal with racism because there are different races, or the micro of it is that we focus on the different races, as opposed to the macro, which is the human race,” said West.
The Grammy Award-winning musician/designer/mogul was caught off guard by an extensive highlight reel that played during Monday’s BET Honors show, where he was set to receive the night’s biggest honor, the Visionary Award.
It’s mildly sexist and absolutely ridiculous, but you’ll be expected to reiterate several times just how beautiful the bride and bridesmaids look.
Please don’t use the word “stunning” unless they’re carrying taser guns in their bouquets, and express appreciation of their beauty as you would a striking painting, rather than a glamour model. One of the most annoying parts of any wedding speech is being asked to raise your glasses every two minutes in honour of all manner of stupid things.
The perfect best man’s speech is a balance of one-liners, the revelation of a couple of secrets and, best of all, a tear in the eye at the end.
If you are emotionally stunted, then rounding off with “he’s like a brother to me”, thanking him for everything he’s done and a hearty double handshake (clutch your left hand over both your right hands) plus man-hug should get everyone dewy-eyed by the time you raise your glass for the final time.